Self indulgent stuff for Sunday

the who-who are you

Title cos I like alliteration.
Song cos I like the who.
And both cos this is a post about me.
And that feels weird.
But I write about all this stuff, particularly the mh stuff, and I feel like it's important to explain what angle in coming at it from. Except I've been putting it off cos I don't know how to go about it. I don't particularly want to tell 'my story' cos, frankly, it's quite dull and whilst there are bid that a shrink may find pertinent there's nothing of any great significance to explain my mh issues.... guess that's not how it works. Well not in a lot of cases. Which is the point, I can only write from my perspective, so I want to explain what that perspective is. But I also don't want to just dump a load of triggering shock value crap here either. I want to explain who I am not just what I'm diagnosed with... except half the time I don't know myself! So I think maybe I'll just outline the areas I've experienced and then write a bit about me outside of all the crazy. This isn't an official list of diagnoses btw, I lost track of those cos nobody can agree lol.

Sooo what first? Technically it says in my notes in bpd/eupd (Borderline/emotionally unstable personality disorder), depending on whether we're talking dsm or icd (diagnostic manuals). I put it first because it's an axis 2 diagnosis so sort of overrides everything else as theoretically it's enduring and about how I work rather than how I feel.  I don't agree really key features include impulsiveness and volatility and I don't feel like I am. But I self harm and I've taken overdoses and had issues with food and that tends to lead to that diagnosis.
Erm yes I sh, I've touched on that before. Done it since I was about twelve, it's complicated but largely as a way of keeping my emotions and behaviour in check... When I stop I feel very out of control and.... wild. After twelve years my body looks kind of a mess but I'm trying to learn to make my peace with that. Overdoses....hmm mainly sh, though a handful had vague suicidal intent behind them. I developed a pattern of od'ing as a way to keep myself 'safe' (Yea I know that's counterintuitive) when experiencing intense suicidal thoughts but equally wanting to keep myself alive. More often than not they were low level and nobody ever knew about them, though I've visited a and e a few times... That was years ago now though.
As for food well that was pretty much just another way to self harm. At uni particularly I restricted my intake significantly, and would spend days fasting. Sometimes I overate. Sometimes I overexercised. Quite a lot of the time I made myself sick. Long long ago I screwed around with diet pills. I've felt fat at weights that were healthy and weights that were significantly underweight. Technically I guess the diagnosis would be ed-nos... though I've never really Identified as eating disordered so much as someone who uses food to sh. I dunno if there's a difference really.
Phew.
All the above crap, of course, would fall under the heading off maladaptive coping mechanisms. What I'm trying to cope with is primarily anxiety, centered around self confidence and self esteem and identity issues. History of social anxiety though that's improved hugely. Panic attacks occasionally cos that's always fun. It's a vicious cycle of course cos the anxiety make me hyper aware of myself and makes me awkward which means I do things 'wrong' ie not perfectly or avoid things altogether. Eventually this is where the depression part comes in because things begin to feel hopeless and I feel useless and worthless because I always 'fail' and what's the point everything's horrible everyone hates me blah blah blah.

All of which is very dull.
And all of which I'm working on. In terms of therapy atm I'm in the middle of s very short course of sessions with a CAT based approach. In the past I've had CBT and person centred counselling. Add to that medications (anti depressants, anti psychotics and atm a mood stabiliser) mindfulness coaching and online CBT programmes. And I've studied psychology at a level and as modules for my degree. 

That's dull too.
But there you are that's my crazy in a nutshell.
Now onto the more interesting things about me.

I work as a carer, helping elderly people in the community. It's largely personal care and meals and I love it a lot. I'm slowly slowly slowly doing an open university degree in science and hope eventually to do a post grad course to become an occupational therapist... On the physical side, probably with the same demographic I with with now. But that's far ahead and you don't always get to pick and choose that much with Jobs! Lol.
Outside of that I play for a darts team.... except I don't really play I'm much better at spectating :p. I also play around with making jewellery and beaded crafts. I paint my nails constantly of course lol.
I also assist with running a guide unit in the town I love in. I've been involved with guides pretty much since I started as a Brownie at seven and I'm rather passionate about it. Guides was a huge support in my life... and I love being part of it still. We do allsorts of random things some of which will probably get mentioned here.
Finally, I ring bells. Like, big Church bells. It's a lot of fun :). And I'm on committees and crap to do with that so it's a big part of my life. And I talk about it a lot so don't get me started Hehe.

Wow this is long.
If you made it this far congratulations!
And I'll shut up now.
Night night. X

33dc day 6-texture

Um Yea. Texture. So me and textured polish have a love hate relationship in so much as I love how it looks.... On other people. I kinda hate wearing it. Lol. Consequently I own a grand total of two. One of which I only still own cos I haven't gotten round to getting rid of it yet. So that's one... which is opi, um.... solitaire? One of the bond girls. I kinda actually like this one but I struggled to figure out what to do with one polish. I quite like texture in tape designs but I've done a few taped things recently so didn't want to do it again. I'm not clever enough to do s gradient with textured and non textured and make it look good.

Aaaanyway. In the end I just played lol. I bunged the opi on over Barbara Daly electric spacedust... For no reason other than that was what I was wearing at the time. It's pretty opaque though so then it just looked like I was wearing opi alone which defeated the object so I got some cling film and dabbled most of it off again. At that point I'd spent way too long on this so I went and got on with my life for a bit. During which time I kept thinking my nails looked 'Frosty' wintery cold. So I'm the end I just bunged some extra snowy stuff on top and had done with it lol.

All of which is to explain how I came up with this hideous, unseasonable monstrosity lol.

An InLinkz Link-up

Peeking through the curtains into polish club...

Now this only dropped onto the doormat this morning...actually that's a lie, dad is our postman so it was actually placed carefully on the kitchen table but that would make no sense! Erm what was I saying? Yea I haven't had a chance to play yet but I wanted to share the pettiness so yes:

33dc day 5- Mexico

Ok Firstly apologies for the mislabelling of the last challenge post.... Two day threes? Oops!
And secondly, more importantly is like to apologise to Mexico as a whole.....thousands of years of Mexican history and culture and all I can come up with is tequila?! That probably doesn't say good things about me does it? Lol. I confess I was limited by my lack of artistic skills tbh lol.
Aaaanyway, all that aside. Tequila! Yum. With salt lime and a worm. X

An InLinkz Link-up

TarasTalons swatchy swatchy!

So yes despite my best intentions ive purchased obscene amounts of polish lately so there'll be a considerable amount of swatches for a while. This covers quite a big chunk though, as I got a little carried away over at taras etsy shop.
Now, exciting times, im experimenting with posting from my tab in hopes of actually being able to integrate photos into the text so here goes....

The order I placed was for a purple holo, a Halloween Frankenstein polish, a purple nail art pen and a mystery bag of four 10ml polishes...cos I do love a surprise :p.
First up is the purple holo 'show me the stars'. Unfortunately I never got a chance to take pics in the sunshine but it was beautiful. For now we'll make do with a flash photo

Sticking with purple next is the frankenstein polish which i named 'purple people eater' cos i lack imagination ;)

I

Im really sad about the crappiness of this pic cos the polishnis seriously beautiful, and easy to work with too (self-confessed glitter hater :p). I think id like to try it layered over something too i just haven't decided what yet!
Aaaanyway, final addition to my purple hoard was a nail art pen in 'very violet'....taras nail art pens are such fun, there's such a huge variety of colours! Since i fail at nail art i have a few...but not a purple so i decided to rectify that imediately. the pen is double ended in that it comes with a skinny brush along with the pen nib. I may do a proper post just on this some day, for now here's a quick writing sample.

Um the colour really isn't as grey as my photo makes it look!

right onto the mysery polishes.  

First up was 'wooden boy'...now, ok, this is a really pretty and interesting polish i promise. But im so ashamed of my swatching effort here that i nearly didn't post it. I was tired and it was getting late and the light in our living room sucks just for seeing nvm photography. Anyway, excuses aside, try to look beyond the scruffiness and blurriness to a beautifil deep coppery bronze chock full of darker brown hexes and shimmering like mad. Im determined to get a better pic soon, until that day comes:

Next up is toy train which is a yummy juicy green. I dunno why for some reason i think of food when i look at this...possibly im just food obsessed lol. It was nice to work with...plus the norwich city fan hiding inside me quite wants to combine this with sandcastles, also from tara, in a canaries design hehe.

Next we have believe...which is a fun kinda polish. A metalluc shimmery blue with allsorts of different coloured glitters swimming around. I say swimming because this one makes me think of the sea and coral reefs...and it's possible i have an overactive imagination. Ill just post the pic shall i?

If you're wondering about the missing thumb...i smudged it :p lol. This also isn't as lumpy as it looks think it's the angle of the light or something.

.....unfortunately i forgot to add the pics of the last polish to my photobucket. If you want to check it out though its called bon bon and it's the one i used as a base for my 33dc striping mani.
think it may be bed time. Don't forget to check out taras talons

Factbox- anxiety

I've been putting this off, largely cos my anxiety has been quite high writing anything significant has been a bit overwhelming..... I'm sure there's some irony in there somewhere? Lol.
Anyway there are a lot of conditions that include symptoms of anxiety (see related conditions at the end) but this focuses solely on generalised anxiety disorder.

Name
generalised anxiety disorder (GAD)

Symptoms
Feelings of tension and unease
Fear and dread
Expecting the worst
Intrusive thoughts
Mind racing
Irritability and impatience
Inability to relax or 'switch off'
Loss of concentration
Disturbed sleep
Nervous habits such as nail biting or skin picking
Physical tension and aches
'Butterflies'
Shaking
Dry mouth
Excessive urination
Nausea
Breathlessness

The key factor in GAD compared to other anxiety disorders is that feelings are enduring/chronic and not triggered by one specific thing.

Diagnosis
As with depression the first port of call is usually your GP. If you describe symptoms of anxiety they will probably ask you to fill in a questionnaire called the GAD-7 screening your anxiety symptoms over the last few months. They may also wish to investigate any physical symptoms to rule out any underlying physical conditions.

Treatment
Medications
If your doctor decides to put you on medication the first line of treatment is usually the same SSRIs described in the depression Factbox as these also have a positive effect on symptoms of anxiety. Other anti depressants such as SNRIs may also be considered or an anticonvulsant such as pregabalin. For short term treatment of acute anxiety benzodiazepines (eg. Diazepam) may be considered but are generally avoided due to issues of dependence and addiction. Newer dis such as buspirone may be used to the same effect.
Therapies
Particularly CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy, which looks at exploring the type of thinking that leads to anxiety. It hopes to identify negative cycles in thoughts and work on breaking them.
Other therapeutic techniques such as mindfulness and breathing exercises may be used to promote calm and relaxation. Many of these techniques are available online (see links for examples).

Statistics
An estimated 1 in 20 Britts suffer GAD
Mixed anxiety and depression is the most common mental health issue for which people seek help

Related conditions
Panic disorder/panic attacks
Phobias
Post traumatic stress disorder
Social anxiety
Mixed anxiety and depression
Hypochondria

Links
Anxiety UK
Anxiety alliance
Anxiety and depression association of America
Mindfulness
More mindfulness

I haven't actually tried the specific mindfulness sites so can't swear by them but they contain exercises im familiar with. There are also apps available if you have a smart phone.

Phew. Off to do some breathing exercises :p. X

33dc- day 3 tribal

Tribal. Yes. Well. I love tribal nails. However there are a lot of fiddly little lines involved and I tend to have shaky hand issues... These two things don't mix that well! I do quite like the design though so maybe I'll try practicing it again sometime when I have more time. I don't think I have much else to say... I'm gonna try and come back later with some more swatches so I won't ramble too much for now.

An InLinkz Link-up

Finally magic goose swatches!

Firstly, apologies. I'm still relying on my phone a lot so a) the pics aren't great (tbf that's not entirely the phones fault lol) and b) they're all at the end! I'll try and fix the latter if I get my hands on a computer.

Sooo magic goose. Do have a look cos they're beautiful. They have a range of six polishes atm all based on Greek mythology.
When I eventually made a decision The first polish I picked was aphrodite, 'goddess of love, desire, pleasure and beauty' according to the website. Very appropriate seeing aa she's beautiful and I love her.... um the polish not the goddess that would be weird.
In my sneak peek post I showed aphrodite alone but for these pics it's a single coat over a sinful colours purple simply because personally I hate any hint of sheerness... As I mention repeatedly so you probably know lol. The blurry thumb pic is my trying to do a close up of one of the hearts which are pretty and shiny and holo-y. But I failed so you'll have to take my word for it. There aren't a huge number of hearts and I quite liked that, think it had a nice balance but if you're looking for several hearts on every nail you may be disappointed.
Oof there's a reason I never swatch I fail to think of anything useful to say! Ooo one thing: whilst I didn't want to take it off, when I did it was amazingly easy....I mean it's a glitter so it took a little work but compared to most glitters I've used Yea it was easy.

Second is electra. Now I'm afraid all my traitor brain can come up with for the name is Jung and the electra complex... which is totally irrelevant! The magic goose site, though, has a lovely description of electra and of the transposition of the story into polish so ignore me and read that.
Anyway electra is a glitter topper. In the pics in eating it over a blank cat polish that I'm writing about another day, hence only two nails of electra sorry. But isn't lovely? I hate applying mixed glitter toppers a lot because I hate having to dabble and fish around and rearrange....I'm way too inpatient and want something I can just polish and go with. Which is what I got here, so happy haha. The stars are plentiful and easy to catch and I live the pick and mix (sorry sweet focused! ) purple. There's a lot of holo here that the pics failed to capture. And.... Well it's just lovely! Lol.
Ooook I ramble, I'll shut up now. But don't forget to click on the magic goose link. X