Monday, 16 March 2015

Welcome to my world- feeling trapped


Oh dear i was meant to come back and post for SIAD oh well lol.

I've been thinking about the idea of feeling trapped a lot lately, it (or more to the point the avoidance of it) is one of the main droving forces in my life.

It's at the top of my mind right now largely because i totally flipped out a couple of weeks ago about how my life was going nowhere I'd been doing the same crap for years, not getting anywhere, not doing anything and nothing was ever going to change cos I can't cope with real life, a proper job, living on my own....I'm incapable, useless, stupid. Blah blah blah. Self indulgent crap. But what it came down to is feeling stuck. The feeling that there's no way out and nothing will ever change. Which was an odd thought, since I'm not particularly unhappy with my life right now.

None of that is really the point.
*rewind* lol.

So, I'm claustrophobic. I say that because it's a simple, tangible fact that's easy to understand. I don't like small spaces. Or, more accurately i don't like places that i can't easily get out of...so a small room with a large door is better than a large room with a tiny door for example. And don't get me started on trapdoors. Of course this is a slightly unfortunate trait for a bellringer since we seem to spend a great deal of our lives in pokey corners, up spiral staircases, hidden behind organs haha. Hilariously, loud noises make it worse. Ho hum.

So if we start from not liking to be in places that i can't easily get out of we can expand to not liking situations that i can't easily get out of. Social situations will always scare me for an abundance of reasons but one key one is the fact that they can be hard to escape. Particularly parties and things where it's seen as rude to leave when you've only just arrived. Waiting rooms are scary. So are other people's houses (erm katie, have you noticed what you do for a job?!), cinemas are borderline terrifying lol. Walking long distances is unnerving since it's not easy to get home quickly, likewise using public transport where you have to rely on timetables (incidentally this is one of the reasons i can cope with the tube, despite the fact it should horrify me lol). Years ago being stuck in a drip in hospital was horrendous.

What else can i say? Back to the job, despite my flippant comment re: other people's houses my job actually fits me pretty well. I rarely have to stay in one place for very long and the visits are set at a certain length so it's pretty easy to get away. We have a few folk who talk...a lot. I like chatting to them but it's very hard to escape at the end of the call. I dread those ones.

I find it very hard to stay put in one place for more than about an hour or maybe two (and that includes home). I have worked a couple of 'normal' jobs and i really struggled. Which is one of the reasons for the little meltdown and feeling trapped where i am. I am happiest when I'm moving.

That's the other thing about my job: i always have my car. I seriously love driving and have come to rely more and more on the sense of freedom it affords. I hate when i have to take my car in for service and such like. And i hate getting lifts. Admittedly travel sickness doesn't help with that haha...but I'm halfway convinced that a good proportion of that is caused by anxiety anyway (which of course because somewhat of a vicious circle- anxiety equals nausea, nausea equals anxiety about being nauseous and not being able to stop driving/pull over). Plus once arriving at the destination you're basically then stuck there until the driver wants to go home. I spend a lot of nights out as the designated driver haha. I just don't like not having my car. That's a little pathetic.

Hmm, i feel i may have over dramatised this point a little. Yes the trapped feeling hangs around most of the time and crops up in a lot of situations...but equally I'm pretty good at dealing with it for the most part, and at avoiding the worst of those situations (doing the job i do for example, or insisting on driving). Occasionally i struggle...if I'm tired, with people i don't know very well and can't trust yet or if I'm having a bad day, particularly if I'm feeling trapped by life in general as i was describing in the opening paragraph.

Then of course you're back to the vicious circle thing. The room gets very hot and I feel as if there's no air in the room, i struggle to concentrate on conversations or ringing or whatever I'm doing and my hands shake....which is quite embarrassing and intensifies the need to get out, run. More anxiety equals less air which leads to fun things like sweating and palpitations and hyperventilation and hysteria and the total lack of ability to pay attention to anything that's going on around me. Or sometimes i just check out and dissociate. It's fun. Memories of drifting off into unreality during a long bus ride in Mexico, of crying in the middle of a peal, struggling to breathe in any number of church towers, total panic attack during OU tutorials.

But again, not always. Lots of the time it's fine. It just annoys me that it controls so many of my decisions. Far more than any other 'issues' do. Saying that, i still do what i want to do a significant amount of the time, i ring, i get on planes, i graciously (or not lol) accept lifts.


Well that hopped about all over the place! And i still have no idea what i was wanting to say. But whatever, it's gotten very late and i seriously need to sleep!! Lol. x