Saturday, 30 August 2014

Finding the words

I haven't written a mental health post in a while have I? In fact I haven't posted much at all, I'll be trying to rectify that.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about words.i love words. I love unusual words, I love understanding the origin of words and I love playing with them. But, despite all that, words aren't really my thing, I've never been very good with them. I wrote a while back about the feeling of not having a voice, which I guess is similar but not quite the same. Sometimes you can be willing and even eager to speak... But just not have the right words for what you want to say.

Especially when it comes to mental health stuff. That may be partly due to societal factors; we are conditioned to not talk about this stuff so therfore we don't develop the right language and vocabulary to deal with it. But I suspect that's not the only reason. Mental health is so very complicated and so very individual and so very hard to quantify and pin down, that the words just don't exist.

So often people want to know. Want to understand. And goodness knows that can only be a good thing but it puts a huge amount of pressure on the person with mental health issues to explain. And sometimes that's just not possible. Half the time they may not understand themselves. And, whilst that can be frustrating (it's their thoughts so why shouldn't they understand?), it is in fact a part of the illness itself. Besides most people with physical illnesses couldn't describe the ins and outs to you in great detail.

I used to think, back when I was first unwell, that if I found the prefect words that explained how I was feeling that would somehow male things better. A lot of years have passed since then and I still don't have the magic words that convey exactly how I feel. But I am better at it than I used to be. Partly that's due to research and education and learning about the technicalities of my diagnoses (whichever one that is today :p). Partly it's practice and experience, the more you speak the easier it gets, the more you learn what people understand to and 'get'. And partly it's just time and age. I'm not the same person I was when I was young and confused and firmly in denial. Now I'm old and confused :p but slightly more self aware lol.

The point of this whole post? Be patient. If you don't understand it's more likely to be because it's a subject that's really, really hard to understand rather than because a person isn't trying our because they're deliberately trying to confuse matters. And if you're the one trying to explain be patient with yourself. You'll get there. There are no perfect words, there are some people about who write beautifully about depression or bipolar or anxiety or whatever and that helps but in the end we're all different and eventually you'll find your own way of explaining your own experiences. And in the meantime cooing in to the people who are understanding even when they don't understand. X

Sunday, 24 August 2014

Colour me crazy purple

I love when Blogger eats my posts.

I was so very organised this week and did these really early. And then cba to post. I'm very lazy lately lol. I have so many things on my to do list..... and I'm doing none of them! Oh well, I submitted an essay. That's gotta be worth something, right?! And I bought some polish. Oops :p.

I did two purple manis. Because, well, I like purple lol. One is a feathered type thing with Rimmel *something or other* and possibly Essie possibly sexy divide. The other is....erm? I can't even remember! Lol. Oh saran wrap. Or bubble wrap since it was late and cling film was in the kitchen but I have half a tonne of discarded bubble wrap in my room lol. Polishes are a-England avalon (I think?) And 17 holo nail polish, silver (I have the bottle for that one right here lol.

Well that was successful. Think it's bed time! X

Ps. Sorry the pics are even worse than usual btw lol.

Monday, 18 August 2014

Colour me crazy at Camp

Ah man I'm so behind! Though in my defence ive been camping all week.
More specifically, I (and some other leaders) took thirty odd kids to the Norfolk showground to take part in Norjam. A huge jamboree... think six or seven thousand guides and scouts from all over the world. The week leading up to it was manic...and of course the camp was manic. And now I'm shattered. Though not as shattered as the guides! Pretty sure they had a great time though. Climbing, crafting, making new friends...There was even a mini-ring there, so Bell ringing too haha. Along with tonnes of other stuff. Could have done without the whole hurricane Bertha thing (hunting for friends to steal rope from to tie down a marquee in case is blows away is fun! Especially when it's peeing it down lol). Fun though.

Anyway. Nails. So, colour me crazy. I think pink is probably a lost cause tbh. I am however working on purple at this very moment. I aldo did blue before I left but never got round to posting it so figured I'd share it now in lieu of the pink lol.

I did these the night before I left for camp. The viking hat is because we were on viking subcamp (this year was a history theme). The appalling chipping is because I didn't get round to taking photos until after we'd finished pitching lol. The polishes are... Who knows tbh? Think the Blue is a models own hypergel. The cream is Barry m coconut. The hills is Maybelline (who wants to be a millionaire?). The Brown is another rimmel but don't ask me which one lol. And I have a feeling the black is Essie licorice... which is weird cos I used it for my depression mani too and it's not the black I usually go for. Ho hum.

The last pic is a bonus shot of my nails after a week of camping! Note this is post filing and the administration of copious amounts of hand cream and cuticle balm... plus a couple of coats and nail envy. Lol. X

Sunday, 17 August 2014


I can't think of much to say that hasn't been said tbh.

Depression is a hideous, horrendous illness. It's there and it lurks and it waits for that one brief moment when you let your guard down and it pounces. It can take over, seep into everything you do, everything you see, everything you do. Nothing is good and nothing will ever be good again. And that's how it should be. You don't deserve good. You're horrible and worthless and fail at everything. You should be scribbled out, crumpled up and thrown away.

And it goes on and on. Stupid, pointless, hateful noise. None of it's true.... But you don't know that. And it hurts.

And it's always there.

So many people experience it. And so many people hide it. With laughs and smiles and jokes and a casual 'I'm fine'.

Anyone who thinks that Robin Williams was selfish or cowardly or weak......I can't even think of an end to that sentence. I wouldn't even wish for you to experience it so you understood, I genuinely wouldn't wish it on anyone. So I guess I just hope that one day you can stop being so narrow minded and judgemental and start to understand what some people go through each and every day.

And none of that is what I meant to say at all. But nvm. Here are some nails. The base is Barry m key line with dotted flowers in rimmel Mary Mary quite contrary and Barry m spring green. Then I used a fan brush to cover for nails with Essie licorice. I wanted a cheerful base with the black representing both the cloud of depression which colours everything and the constant urge to blot yourself out, remove yourself. I left the ring finger clear because there's always hope. Or something. X

Sunday, 3 August 2014

Colour me crazy-Green

Oof sneaking in right at the end again, oops! And it seems I haven't posted some I did this last week, double oops!! Must try harder this week.

Not much to say here really. I'm not keen on the middle finger. But that's what you get for doing your nails in the middle of the night lol. The teal is a bit too dark and the lines too chunky. I bought new brushes (yay) cos mine were getting manky and I've not quite got used to them yet.

The glitter is from a tarastalons mystery bag when Tara was clearing out her stock recently. It (and four others :p) arrived this week and so I decided to base my mani on that.

Erm the glitter doesn't have a name just a number. The pale green is one of the rimmel rita ora ones but I've forgotten the name. The other Green is a Barry m gelly (key lime?) And the purple a Barry m silk (Heather?).

Yea, that was informative lol. Here have some pictures. The last picture I randomly matted it with essie matte about you. X