Sunday, 27 July 2014

Colour me crazy- yellow

Oops I think I skipped a week, sorry!

So yellow? I don't really wear yellow...I have maybe three that are for nail art type stuff. But anyway.

I didn't fancy bright bright yellow so I chose the one pastel yellow I own: sinful colors unicorn. I paired it with the dusky pink of Barielle sailor's delight. Added some really simple dots to each nail in the contrasting colour (like literally took seconds, that's my kinda nail art :p lol).

Finally I did a coat of essie matte about you. I dunno why there's just an automatic association between pastels and matte in my brain....I'm not a huge pastel fan anyway but I much prefer them matte to glossy.

I was kinda quite happy with this. The only thing that annoyed me was some major bubbling, despite my best efforts to make sure my nails were totally clean and dry, I did thin coats, left plenty of drying time etc etc all those things. Any tips?

Anyway there'll be an in linkz tomorrow but it's too late at night to be fiddling about with that on my phone right now lol. X

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

The hands are the window to the soul

... or they can tell you a good deal about the state of my brain at least lol.

And right now my hands are horrible. So obviously I took a picture...which seems I little counter intuitive I'll admit. But I wanted to show you a. For accountability, cos I want to make an effort to improve them and b. To illustrate the above point.

Often when people are doing badly they will work very hard to hide it. For a variety of reasons, shame, not wanting to worry others, fear of people's reactions, denial. Whatever the reason we can be very good at it. But usually there are tells, small signs that something is off. Obviously there are things like social withdrawal, changes in appetite, sleeping, sex drive... Things that are DSM recognised symptoms. But there can also be more subtle clues.

For me one of those is my hands. For other people it might be their hair, clothes, make up, music taste, speech, artwork, writing. Anything really but it can be useful to know and be aware. It's useful for me to know, never mind anyone else! I have a huge tendency towards denial and ignoring internal issues... so outward signs can be a helpful warning sign when things are slipping.

Though don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting I jump into a straight jacket simply because I cba to paint my nails for a day lol (slightly inappropriate humour :s).

Anyway, regard the beauty that is my nails haha....ok they're not that bad, they've been far more hideous in the past, they're just significantly worse than they've been in a long time.

- short and badly shaped. This is mainly because I've had a crap week with anxiety and spent quite a lot of time biting them. Though in part is because I just cba to get them right lol.

- the biting has been worse because I'm not wearing polish. I just really can't be bothered, major apathy.

- plus when I have worn polish I've been picking it off... which is also an anxiety thing but also a self-esteem thing in that having done my nails I'll get to work or ringing or the pub and decide they look hideous and therfore pick it off. It's never perfect enough.

- I chew my cuticles for similar reasons... nervous habit. And an urge to get rid of imperfections... which of course only creates further imperfections.

- a lot of the imperfections are caused by lack of hand/nail care routine. Because self care and being nice to myself is wrong in every way.
- that means my nails are weak and peeling and generally crap and I bite the peeling bits and blah blah blah. Two billion anxious ticks.

- speaking of anxiety my manis are majorly scruffy thanks to irritating trembling hands plus a constant urge to rush, be fast, get done.

- and my nail art is boring and simple due to stupid foggy brain meaning lack of interest and inspiration and desire to do anything.

I think that's enough lol. Though when I cut there's often 'stains' under my nails that I can't get rid of :s.

This is a weird and boring post, I can't think of anything to write about! Lol. I'll put some nails up soon, lighten the mood :s. I still have dark metal lacquer swatches to write up and they're beautiful :). X

Saturday, 19 July 2014

Self harm

Yea I do that. I've spoken about it quite a bit on here. I'm not entirely sure what this post is about, hence the generic title, just that it's on my mind a lot lately and I feel like sharing.

I reckon I was about twelve when I started to self harm. Strangely I don't remember exactly. You know those games you play as a kid? Knuckles and stuff like that? Challenges to prove how tough you are.... Who can hold a peg on their lip longest, grab that electric fence and so on (I'm assuming here that I wasn't just a totally effed up child lol). In a weird way it was an extension of that.

I felt weak. So I tried to prove to myself I was strong. Obviously self harm doesn't prove any such thing but there you are. We must also mention the C word here. Control. Not of other people, or my life, or my surroundings but of myself. Composure and restraint and stoicism have always been very high up my list of priorities. Don't let anyone see how you really feel, emotions are not, I repeat NOT, acceptable. And we're back to weakness again. Being emotional, sad, angry, scared, excited made me feel weak and out of control and vulnerable. So I self harmed not to get rid of the original feelings but to get rid of the feeling of weakness that they created.

At the same time I was aware of feeling 'not right'. I was aware of wanting to feel differently. I wasn't, however, aware of why I felt that way. It seemed that everything was shit for no could i feel bad? it's not like I had any problems in my life. What I hadn't caught onto was that those messy thoughts and feelings could be a problem in and of themselves.

So I wanted to solve the problem that I didn't think existed. I wanted a top fix something but couldn't see anything broken. Answer: manufacture a problem that you can then go on to solve. So I self harmed. Self harm is definitely a problem, I always knew that. Therefore if I self harm that must be the problem. Therefore if I quit self harm the problem is solved and everything goes back to normal.

Clearly that is totally flawed logic. It also clearly didn't work since I'm a. Still unhappy and b. Still self harming. So not only did I not solve the original problem but I didn't succeed in my plan to solve my artificial problem!

The ridiculous thing is that this isn't hindsight talking. This isn't the conclusions drawn from years of therapy. This is a thought process that I was very conscious of at the time. Clever Katie *rolleyes*.

Why do you keeping hitting yourself with the hammer? Cos it feels so damn good when I stop.

If you can't make things better, make them worse. Then you can crawl back to where you were originally and it effectively feels like things are better. Problem is the crawling back bit. It always sounds so simple and yet it never is. So now things are worse. And the 'solution' is the same. And so you slip, gradually, further and further.

Nowadays I find life very hard without self harm.

Partly that's to do with hope. I still cling desperately to the idea that quitting will make everything better. So when I stop and nothing changes that little glimmer of optimism disappears. If you have an option that might improve things and you don't take it it will always remain an option. If you take it there's the chance it won't work, then it's no longer an option. Then you have one less thing to try in future and it all feels a little hopeless.

It's also goes right back to the theme of control. When I don't self harm I find it much harder to maintain self control. And I get scared. So I self harm.

When I'm not self harming I find it much harder to wander outside my safe little box. Self harm forms part of a system of... preemptive punishment almost. I'm scared I'll fuck up, I'm scared I'll fail, I'm scared I'll hurt people. Those things need to be balanced out and if I'm self harming regularly it's like I've already paid penance for them. I don't often self harm reactively, as a consequence of doing something 'bad'...I self harm just in case. And that allows me to do things that would otherwise pose too much risk of failure.

Because of this my self harming is not so much impulsive as compulsive. It's not a case of something happening and feeling  especially bad and needing to get through it. It's more a case of 'topping up' at regular intervals... so that the biggest trigger is usually the passage of time. Wounds healing and not wanting to miss 'opportunities' to self harm also feature heavily.

That's something that has often posed problems with treatment and therapists and such like. Often they get stuck on the idea of impulsivity and distraction techniques and riding the wave of urges. Except there is no wave. There's just a constant nagging voice at the back of my brain going round and round on repeat. And it's really annoying and really disruptive and eventually I do what it wants just so it'll stfu and go away.

And then it doesn't go away. Which is why I'm still self harming half my life time later. And I can't say I necessarily expected this post to go in this particular direction. I'm reasonably well aware of the thought processes behind my behaviours but I find them very hard to articulate and get across to others. Consequently I have no idea if this made any sense! Haha. Oh well, it's late. Bed time. X

Saturday, 12 July 2014

Colour me crazy- red

This is a new weekly challenge brought to you by the British nail bloggers fb group.
The prompt for the first week is red. And I felt like a bit of silliness. So we have ladybirds (bishy barney bees :p). It's not until I sat and looked through the in linkz that I noticed Kerrie also did ladybirds, oops sorry Kerrie! Hers are cuter than mine though haha so make sure you click on the in linkz to see her version.
My version, on the other hand, is the lazy version in that I decided to only do one nail as an actual ladybird and make the others leaves. Yea it's a bit of a cop out when the theme is red and I only have one red nail on each hand! Haha. In my defence I wore this to work and I thought the green might tone it down a little from a while hand full of ladybirds lol.
I genuinely don't think I've ever said the word ladybird so much in such a short space of time haha.
Orange is next week's prompt so I better start thinking.... and try not to repeat someone else's mani this time ;) lol. Night. X

Thursday, 10 July 2014


Um? I said I'd post some nail stuff. And I said I'd post some mental health stuff. Well I posted the nail stuff.

But I say a lot of stuff.

I said I'd get my essay in on time. That ain't happening. Nothing ever changes does it?

I did email my tutor telling her I won't have anything to submit by tomorrow. If I'm lucky I might get an extension. If in very lucky I might use it. That's new. I don't admit defeat. And I don't ask for help. Denial all the one. And it took a lot to send one pathetic little two sentence email.

And it's not enough. All that keeps spinning through my head is 'I'm not supposed to be like this anymore'.

Which is of course a ridiculous thought. As most thoughts containing words like 'supposed to' are. I should do this I shouldn't do that I'm supposed to be better.

And the really upsetting thing? I am. This is better. This is pretty much as well as I've ever been (well enough that I'm not an 'effective use of resources' for the youth team certainly). And it's not enough. If this is as good as it gets I'm not sure why I bothered fighting so hard for it.

And of course in being self indulgent and self pitying and generally just a bit stupid. Sorry.

I don't know what this post is supposed to be about? It's more a diary entry than a blog. But it's midnight and I'm anxious and tearful and totally failing to sleep and I need someone to know how that feels.

Cos right now I feel like a f*** up and a failure and a waste of space and I don't know how to make it better.

Tomorrow it will be better. Sleep and sunlight. Rah.i need to get it together. Xx

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

I water marbled!

Well tried to anyway lol.
I've been meaning to attempt this for ages but been rather daunted by the whole thing. I think I told the story of my first attempt that didn't even get as far as being an attempt? Advice: don't use a polystyrene cup, any sinking polish will burn through it. I made quite a mess lol.

Anyway this time I used a proper drinking mug so that was an improvement. I still made a significant amount of mess though haha. I was going to marble all my nails but quickly ran out of patience and decided to just do my two ring fingers instead lol.

It doesn't look as good as I'd like... but equally it doesn't look as deeply disastrous as I was expecting! And in a weird kinda way I kind of enjoyed the faff and mess and stuff so maybe I'll try again some time!

And yes the polishes are the models of for tans collection again (I forget the names sorry) plus, you've guessed it, Barry m coconut haha. X

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Neon nails!

Yea, so I'm seriously loving neon lately. Not entirely sure why, think it's the sunshine lol. Having grabbed a couple (followed by a couple more, ie the whole collection :s lol) of the models own 'for tans' collection I spent over a week wearing nothing but neon haha.
I shared several of my neon efforts in a guest post over at nail parade (awesome blog btw). But in case that's not enough neon, here are a few more :).
The base for all is Barry m coconut. Probably a bit cream for neons, I'm sure they would have popped even more over pure white.... But I'm a little in love with coconut, it suits me better than stark white and it's really, really easy to work with. Think I'm slowly coming round to the Barry m gellys :p lol.

The stripes were a quick and lazy attempt at a mani because having painted the base I realised I had less time than I thought before I had to leave the house lol.

Then saran wrap. Which is a technique I love. I do like the mani but I think I'd arrange the colours differently if I did it again...The Green and yellow don't look that great right next to each other.

Finally sugar spun. I've been wanting to try toys for ages but felta little daunted by it tbh. Plus I've not really been in the mood for anything that involves effort of clean up lol. But I liked this and I was kinda pleased with how it turned out. I'd definitely try the technique again anyway :).

Finally don't forget to check out the other British nail Blogger ladies in the inlinkz.x

Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Pop! Goes the weasel

If you're wondering the exactly the title has to do with anything, suffice to say I'm a dork lol.

Long ago one of the first pieces of 'drawing' nail art I did was to paint bell ropes on my fingers. Today I fancied a bit of silliness so I thought I'd have another go... It's always fun to revisit old ideas. I've included an original pic for comparison.

The base is a England 'galahad' which is significantly more pretty than the original butter London 'Billy no mates' which was chosen out of necessity back when I only owned about ten colours :p.

The sally (that's the stripy fluffy bit lol) is Barry m 'coconut' with red and blue added in two nails Inc polishes that I can't remember the name of lol.

The only other change is the placement of the 'bells'. Last time I kept it simple with the sally progressing further up the nail moving across my hand. This time I tried to make it look like the bells had 'pulled off' in 14235, by painting least of the sally on my thumb, slightly more on my ring finger etc. This particular order is known as weasels.... cos it sounds like pop goes the weasel :p. Hence the dorky title!

In other news I've been slacking with hand care and my cuticles/fingers look rank, sorry!! X