Finding the words

I haven't written a mental health post in a while have I? In fact I haven't posted much at all, I'll be trying to rectify that.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about words.i love words. I love unusual words, I love understanding the origin of words and I love playing with them. But, despite all that, words aren't really my thing, I've never been very good with them. I wrote a while back about the feeling of not having a voice, which I guess is similar but not quite the same. Sometimes you can be willing and even eager to speak... But just not have the right words for what you want to say.

Especially when it comes to mental health stuff. That may be partly due to societal factors; we are conditioned to not talk about this stuff so therfore we don't develop the right language and vocabulary to deal with it. But I suspect that's not the only reason. Mental health is so very complicated and so very individual and so very hard to quantify and pin down, that the words just don't exist.

So often people want to know. Want to understand. And goodness knows that can only be a good thing but it puts a huge amount of pressure on the person with mental health issues to explain. And sometimes that's just not possible. Half the time they may not understand themselves. And, whilst that can be frustrating (it's their thoughts so why shouldn't they understand?), it is in fact a part of the illness itself. Besides most people with physical illnesses couldn't describe the ins and outs to you in great detail.

I used to think, back when I was first unwell, that if I found the prefect words that explained how I was feeling that would somehow male things better. A lot of years have passed since then and I still don't have the magic words that convey exactly how I feel. But I am better at it than I used to be. Partly that's due to research and education and learning about the technicalities of my diagnoses (whichever one that is today :p). Partly it's practice and experience, the more you speak the easier it gets, the more you learn what people understand to and 'get'. And partly it's just time and age. I'm not the same person I was when I was young and confused and firmly in denial. Now I'm old and confused :p but slightly more self aware lol.

The point of this whole post? Be patient. If you don't understand it's more likely to be because it's a subject that's really, really hard to understand rather than because a person isn't trying our because they're deliberately trying to confuse matters. And if you're the one trying to explain be patient with yourself. You'll get there. There are no perfect words, there are some people about who write beautifully about depression or bipolar or anxiety or whatever and that helps but in the end we're all different and eventually you'll find your own way of explaining your own experiences. And in the meantime cooing in to the people who are understanding even when they don't understand. X

Colour me crazy purple

I love when Blogger eats my posts.

I was so very organised this week and did these really early. And then cba to post. I'm very lazy lately lol. I have so many things on my to do list..... and I'm doing none of them! Oh well, I submitted an essay. That's gotta be worth something, right?! And I bought some polish. Oops :p.

I did two purple manis. Because, well, I like purple lol. One is a feathered type thing with Rimmel *something or other* and possibly Essie possibly sexy divide. The other is....erm? I can't even remember! Lol. Oh saran wrap. Or bubble wrap since it was late and cling film was in the kitchen but I have half a tonne of discarded bubble wrap in my room lol. Polishes are a-England avalon (I think?) And 17 holo nail polish, silver (I have the bottle for that one right here lol.

Well that was successful. Think it's bed time! X

Ps. Sorry the pics are even worse than usual btw lol.

An InLinkz Link-up

Colour me crazy at Camp

Ah man I'm so behind! Though in my defence ive been camping all week.
More specifically, I (and some other leaders) took thirty odd kids to the Norfolk showground to take part in Norjam. A huge jamboree... think six or seven thousand guides and scouts from all over the world. The week leading up to it was manic...and of course the camp was manic. And now I'm shattered. Though not as shattered as the guides! Pretty sure they had a great time though. Climbing, crafting, making new friends...There was even a mini-ring there, so Bell ringing too haha. Along with tonnes of other stuff. Could have done without the whole hurricane Bertha thing (hunting for friends to steal rope from to tie down a marquee in case is blows away is fun! Especially when it's peeing it down lol). Fun though.

Anyway. Nails. So, colour me crazy. I think pink is probably a lost cause tbh. I am however working on purple at this very moment. I aldo did blue before I left but never got round to posting it so figured I'd share it now in lieu of the pink lol.

I did these the night before I left for camp. The viking hat is because we were on viking subcamp (this year was a history theme). The appalling chipping is because I didn't get round to taking photos until after we'd finished pitching lol. The polishes are... Who knows tbh? Think the Blue is a models own hypergel. The cream is Barry m coconut. The hills is Maybelline (who wants to be a millionaire?). The Brown is another rimmel but don't ask me which one lol. And I have a feeling the black is Essie licorice... which is weird cos I used it for my depression mani too and it's not the black I usually go for. Ho hum.

The last pic is a bonus shot of my nails after a week of camping! Note this is post filing and the administration of copious amounts of hand cream and cuticle balm... plus a couple of coats and nail envy. Lol. X

#fightforlifeandlive

I can't think of much to say that hasn't been said tbh.

Depression is a hideous, horrendous illness. It's there and it lurks and it waits for that one brief moment when you let your guard down and it pounces. It can take over, seep into everything you do, everything you see, everything you do. Nothing is good and nothing will ever be good again. And that's how it should be. You don't deserve good. You're horrible and worthless and fail at everything. You should be scribbled out, crumpled up and thrown away.

And it goes on and on. Stupid, pointless, hateful noise. None of it's true.... But you don't know that. And it hurts.

And it's always there.

So many people experience it. And so many people hide it. With laughs and smiles and jokes and a casual 'I'm fine'.

Anyone who thinks that Robin Williams was selfish or cowardly or weak......I can't even think of an end to that sentence. I wouldn't even wish for you to experience it so you understood, I genuinely wouldn't wish it on anyone. So I guess I just hope that one day you can stop being so narrow minded and judgemental and start to understand what some people go through each and every day.

And none of that is what I meant to say at all. But nvm. Here are some nails. The base is Barry m key line with dotted flowers in rimmel Mary Mary quite contrary and Barry m spring green. Then I used a fan brush to cover for nails with Essie licorice. I wanted a cheerful base with the black representing both the cloud of depression which colours everything and the constant urge to blot yourself out, remove yourself. I left the ring finger clear because there's always hope. Or something. X

An InLinkz Link-up

Colour me crazy-Green

Oof sneaking in right at the end again, oops! And it seems I haven't posted some I did this last week, double oops!! Must try harder this week.

Not much to say here really. I'm not keen on the middle finger. But that's what you get for doing your nails in the middle of the night lol. The teal is a bit too dark and the lines too chunky. I bought new brushes (yay) cos mine were getting manky and I've not quite got used to them yet.

The glitter is from a tarastalons mystery bag when Tara was clearing out her stock recently. It (and four others :p) arrived this week and so I decided to base my mani on that.

Erm the glitter doesn't have a name just a number. The pale green is one of the rimmel rita ora ones but I've forgotten the name. The other Green is a Barry m gelly (key lime?) And the purple a Barry m silk (Heather?).

Yea, that was informative lol. Here have some pictures. The last picture I randomly matted it with essie matte about you. X

An InLinkz Link-up

Colour me crazy- yellow

Oops I think I skipped a week, sorry!

So yellow? I don't really wear yellow...I have maybe three that are for nail art type stuff. But anyway.

I didn't fancy bright bright yellow so I chose the one pastel yellow I own: sinful colors unicorn. I paired it with the dusky pink of Barielle sailor's delight. Added some really simple dots to each nail in the contrasting colour (like literally took seconds, that's my kinda nail art :p lol).

Finally I did a coat of essie matte about you. I dunno why there's just an automatic association between pastels and matte in my brain....I'm not a huge pastel fan anyway but I much prefer them matte to glossy.

I was kinda quite happy with this. The only thing that annoyed me was some major bubbling, despite my best efforts to make sure my nails were totally clean and dry, I did thin coats, left plenty of drying time etc etc all those things. Any tips?

Anyway there'll be an in linkz tomorrow but it's too late at night to be fiddling about with that on my phone right now lol. X

An InLinkz Link-up

The hands are the window to the soul

... or they can tell you a good deal about the state of my brain at least lol.

And right now my hands are horrible. So obviously I took a picture...which seems I little counter intuitive I'll admit. But I wanted to show you a. For accountability, cos I want to make an effort to improve them and b. To illustrate the above point.

Often when people are doing badly they will work very hard to hide it. For a variety of reasons, shame, not wanting to worry others, fear of people's reactions, denial. Whatever the reason we can be very good at it. But usually there are tells, small signs that something is off. Obviously there are things like social withdrawal, changes in appetite, sleeping, sex drive... Things that are DSM recognised symptoms. But there can also be more subtle clues.

For me one of those is my hands. For other people it might be their hair, clothes, make up, music taste, speech, artwork, writing. Anything really but it can be useful to know and be aware. It's useful for me to know, never mind anyone else! I have a huge tendency towards denial and ignoring internal issues... so outward signs can be a helpful warning sign when things are slipping.

Though don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting I jump into a straight jacket simply because I cba to paint my nails for a day lol (slightly inappropriate humour :s).

Anyway, regard the beauty that is my nails haha....ok they're not that bad, they've been far more hideous in the past, they're just significantly worse than they've been in a long time.

So:
- short and badly shaped. This is mainly because I've had a crap week with anxiety and spent quite a lot of time biting them. Though in part is because I just cba to get them right lol.

- the biting has been worse because I'm not wearing polish. I just really can't be bothered, major apathy.

- plus when I have worn polish I've been picking it off... which is also an anxiety thing but also a self-esteem thing in that having done my nails I'll get to work or ringing or the pub and decide they look hideous and therfore pick it off. It's never perfect enough.

- I chew my cuticles for similar reasons... nervous habit. And an urge to get rid of imperfections... which of course only creates further imperfections.

- a lot of the imperfections are caused by lack of hand/nail care routine. Because self care and being nice to myself is wrong in every way.
- that means my nails are weak and peeling and generally crap and I bite the peeling bits and blah blah blah. Two billion anxious ticks.

- speaking of anxiety my manis are majorly scruffy thanks to irritating trembling hands plus a constant urge to rush, be fast, get done.

- and my nail art is boring and simple due to stupid foggy brain meaning lack of interest and inspiration and desire to do anything.

I think that's enough lol. Though when I cut there's often 'stains' under my nails that I can't get rid of :s.

This is a weird and boring post, I can't think of anything to write about! Lol. I'll put some nails up soon, lighten the mood :s. I still have dark metal lacquer swatches to write up and they're beautiful :). X

Self harm

Yea I do that. I've spoken about it quite a bit on here. I'm not entirely sure what this post is about, hence the generic title, just that it's on my mind a lot lately and I feel like sharing.

I reckon I was about twelve when I started to self harm. Strangely I don't remember exactly. You know those games you play as a kid? Knuckles and stuff like that? Challenges to prove how tough you are.... Who can hold a peg on their lip longest, grab that electric fence and so on (I'm assuming here that I wasn't just a totally effed up child lol). In a weird way it was an extension of that.

I felt weak. So I tried to prove to myself I was strong. Obviously self harm doesn't prove any such thing but there you are. We must also mention the C word here. Control. Not of other people, or my life, or my surroundings but of myself. Composure and restraint and stoicism have always been very high up my list of priorities. Don't let anyone see how you really feel, emotions are not, I repeat NOT, acceptable. And we're back to weakness again. Being emotional, sad, angry, scared, excited made me feel weak and out of control and vulnerable. So I self harmed not to get rid of the original feelings but to get rid of the feeling of weakness that they created.

At the same time I was aware of feeling 'not right'. I was aware of wanting to feel differently. I wasn't, however, aware of why I felt that way. It seemed that everything was shit for no reason....how could i feel bad? it's not like I had any problems in my life. What I hadn't caught onto was that those messy thoughts and feelings could be a problem in and of themselves.

So I wanted to solve the problem that I didn't think existed. I wanted a top fix something but couldn't see anything broken. Answer: manufacture a problem that you can then go on to solve. So I self harmed. Self harm is definitely a problem, I always knew that. Therefore if I self harm that must be the problem. Therefore if I quit self harm the problem is solved and everything goes back to normal.

Clearly that is totally flawed logic. It also clearly didn't work since I'm a. Still unhappy and b. Still self harming. So not only did I not solve the original problem but I didn't succeed in my plan to solve my artificial problem!

The ridiculous thing is that this isn't hindsight talking. This isn't the conclusions drawn from years of therapy. This is a thought process that I was very conscious of at the time. Clever Katie *rolleyes*.

Why do you keeping hitting yourself with the hammer? Cos it feels so damn good when I stop.

If you can't make things better, make them worse. Then you can crawl back to where you were originally and it effectively feels like things are better. Problem is the crawling back bit. It always sounds so simple and yet it never is. So now things are worse. And the 'solution' is the same. And so you slip, gradually, further and further.

Nowadays I find life very hard without self harm.

Partly that's to do with hope. I still cling desperately to the idea that quitting will make everything better. So when I stop and nothing changes that little glimmer of optimism disappears. If you have an option that might improve things and you don't take it it will always remain an option. If you take it there's the chance it won't work, then it's no longer an option. Then you have one less thing to try in future and it all feels a little hopeless.

It's also goes right back to the theme of control. When I don't self harm I find it much harder to maintain self control. And I get scared. So I self harm.

When I'm not self harming I find it much harder to wander outside my safe little box. Self harm forms part of a system of... preemptive punishment almost. I'm scared I'll fuck up, I'm scared I'll fail, I'm scared I'll hurt people. Those things need to be balanced out and if I'm self harming regularly it's like I've already paid penance for them. I don't often self harm reactively, as a consequence of doing something 'bad'...I self harm just in case. And that allows me to do things that would otherwise pose too much risk of failure.

Because of this my self harming is not so much impulsive as compulsive. It's not a case of something happening and feeling  especially bad and needing to get through it. It's more a case of 'topping up' at regular intervals... so that the biggest trigger is usually the passage of time. Wounds healing and not wanting to miss 'opportunities' to self harm also feature heavily.

That's something that has often posed problems with treatment and therapists and such like. Often they get stuck on the idea of impulsivity and distraction techniques and riding the wave of urges. Except there is no wave. There's just a constant nagging voice at the back of my brain going round and round on repeat. And it's really annoying and really disruptive and eventually I do what it wants just so it'll stfu and go away.

And then it doesn't go away. Which is why I'm still self harming half my life time later. And I can't say I necessarily expected this post to go in this particular direction. I'm reasonably well aware of the thought processes behind my behaviours but I find them very hard to articulate and get across to others. Consequently I have no idea if this made any sense! Haha. Oh well, it's late. Bed time. X