Thursday, 29 May 2014

Having a voice

I feel like I'm losing my voice. Or not. I feel like hiding in a corner being as quiet as I can so I don't disturb the nice people, good people...real people. I feel like I need to rewind and take back everything I've ever said about anything, take it back,  destroy it. I feel like I should never say anything to anyone else again ever.

I feel like I have no right to a voice. No right to be heard.

I mustn't waste people's time, impact on their lives by interacting with them. I have nothing to give, it's all take and I have right to expect anything from anyone ever. I have no right to write this stupid self-pitying rant.

Oh yes, writing, that.

Two huge outlets for expressing myself. I paint my nails and I blog about it. I don't wear make up and my clothes are dull, I discovered nails were a great way to show a bit of 'me' without it being too much. The blog, of course, is me. Give or take.  don't like me. I want to take me away and hide her somewhere where she can't bother people.

So I'm not blogging, and I'm barely painting my nails.

And I want to run and hide and escape. And that can't happen cos I have 'responsibilities'. But I don't know how to do any of it. I feel like I'm fucking everything up. Everything I do is wrong,  everyghing I say is wrong.

I'm just wrong. And I don't know how to make it right.

I need to try and I need to fight and I need to not let everything nfall apart. But I don't have the energy. And I don't deserve too. This is right, this is how it should be and I should stop aiming for better because this is better than I deserve.

I thought I coild be ok, at least a little. But I was wrong.

If you think you're not beibg listened to the expected reaction is annoyance or irritation. The crazy-person reaction is 'well obviously I didn't have anything worth saying in the first place,  why did I even try to speak? Stupid worthless pointless selfish cow, I hope you've learnt your lesson now and will keep your mouth shut from now on'. Because that's proportionate.

I'm worth nothing, so why bother?

I can go through the motions, I can do my job and ring bells and turn up and smile and be a good little girl. Walls up, windows bolted, keep laughing and joking and pretend I haven't gone silent. Who needs a voice when they have nothing worth saying?

I don't want to express myself because I don't want to be myself.

All I've ever wanted is to be a good person. X