Tuesday, 27 August 2013

"But why?"

Aka the most frustrating and often asked question in my life. For their part, others are generally left frustrated by my responses too.
Us human being seem always to want to understand everything. To string together the causality and figure how things came about. Maybe it makes us feel safer, more in control? Maybe we believe if we can figure out why good or bad things happen then we can alter whether they reoccur? It would be pretty scary to believe its all just entirely random afterall wouldn't it?

This is me being me.
And that's who i always intend to be on this blog, so far as the constraints of the internet allow.
Who else can i be afterall?

Though in real life im not always me. Or rather, often i only allow certain aspects of me out in public.
There's nothing particularly unique about that, we all do it to a greater or lesser extent.
The part of me that gets held back more often than not is the part which is mentally ill. The depressed part, the anxious part, the part that looks to razor blades for comfort. That part isn't very socially acceptable, and isn't very fun to be around. Its my choice to hide and im happy to do so i don't like that side much either.
My close friends know most things, everyone else knows....bits and pieces. Sometimes i chose to tell, and sometimes i slip up: the panic attack at work, the scars that accidently show as my leggings roll up, slips of the tongue, trips to the hospital. Whatever.
i don't mind people knowing so much nowadays....ive had some bad reactions but ive also had some amazing ones. More people understand than you'd think. Whats the current statistic? According to www.time-to-change.org.uk its that one in four of us will be affected by mental illness in any year. That's a lot. So why not talk about it?
i guess the short answer is fear of judgement and backlash.
The long answer brings me (finally!) back to the title of this post.
"But why?"
Why do you freak out in crowds when i don't?
Why do you feel 'down' when there's nothing really wrong?
Why does adding another ugly scar help?
Why did you take all those pills?

i still remember an a and e doctor asking me whether i thought it was reasonable to overdose and not know why. i didn't particularly thinking it was a reasonable action at all but i didn't think that was a sensible answer so i just shrugged. No it wasn't reasonable. But it was true.

But oh dear, im not here to share war stories and broadcast all the self-destructive things i do...bear with me im not quite with it today lol.

i don't always, or often, know why i do the things i do or feel the things i feel. 'that's just the way i am' as the song says. But that is a terribly frustrating answer to anyone outside trying to offer support. How can they help if they don't know what's wrong? And its my brain, my thoughts, my feelings, so i must know, surely? So they think im holding out and continue to ask, and i continue to repeat the same aggravating i don't knows.......and they get frustrated at me for the lack of response and i get frustrated at them to continuing to push and everyone ends up feeling pretty damn crap.

So thats why i sometimes chose not to share, why its sometimes safer to hide.
And that's part of why this blog is here....to try to piece together some clothes to put onto the naked from of 'i don't know'. i truly believe in ending stigma, and that people have the right not to be judged for illnesses that they can't control. However, with rights come responsibility so maybe we have a responsibility to try to HELP people understand.
This could be interesting....its not like i understand it myself......tbc.