Thursday, 10 July 2014

Blank

Um? I said I'd post some nail stuff. And I said I'd post some mental health stuff. Well I posted the nail stuff.

But I say a lot of stuff.

I said I'd get my essay in on time. That ain't happening. Nothing ever changes does it?

I did email my tutor telling her I won't have anything to submit by tomorrow. If I'm lucky I might get an extension. If in very lucky I might use it. That's new. I don't admit defeat. And I don't ask for help. Denial all the one. And it took a lot to send one pathetic little two sentence email.

And it's not enough. All that keeps spinning through my head is 'I'm not supposed to be like this anymore'.

Which is of course a ridiculous thought. As most thoughts containing words like 'supposed to' are. I should do this I shouldn't do that I'm supposed to be better.

And the really upsetting thing? I am. This is better. This is pretty much as well as I've ever been (well enough that I'm not an 'effective use of resources' for the youth team certainly). And it's not enough. If this is as good as it gets I'm not sure why I bothered fighting so hard for it.

And of course in being self indulgent and self pitying and generally just a bit stupid. Sorry.

I don't know what this post is supposed to be about? It's more a diary entry than a blog. But it's midnight and I'm anxious and tearful and totally failing to sleep and I need someone to know how that feels.

Cos right now I feel like a f*** up and a failure and a waste of space and I don't know how to make it better.

Tomorrow it will be better. Sleep and sunlight. Rah.i need to get it together. Xx