Sunday, 6 October 2013

Self indulgent stuff for Sunday

Title cos I like alliteration.
Song cos I like the who.
And both cos this is a post about me.
And that feels weird.
But I write about all this stuff, particularly the mh stuff, and I feel like it's important to explain what angle in coming at it from. Except I've been putting it off cos I don't know how to go about it. I don't particularly want to tell 'my story' cos, frankly, it's quite dull and whilst there are bid that a shrink may find pertinent there's nothing of any great significance to explain my mh issues.... guess that's not how it works. Well not in a lot of cases. Which is the point, I can only write from my perspective, so I want to explain what that perspective is. But I also don't want to just dump a load of triggering shock value crap here either. I want to explain who I am not just what I'm diagnosed with... except half the time I don't know myself! So I think maybe I'll just outline the areas I've experienced and then write a bit about me outside of all the crazy. This isn't an official list of diagnoses btw, I lost track of those cos nobody can agree lol.
Sooo what first? Technically it says in my notes in bpd/eupd (Borderline/emotionally unstable personality disorder), depending on whether we're talking dsm or icd (diagnostic manuals). I put it first because it's an axis 2 diagnosis so sort of overrides everything else as theoretically it's enduring and about how I work rather than how I feel.  I don't agree really key features include impulsiveness and volatility and I don't feel like I am. But I self harm and I've taken overdoses and had issues with food and that tends to lead to that diagnosis.
Erm yes I sh, I've touched on that before. Done it since I was about twelve, it's complicated but largely as a way of keeping my emotions and behaviour in check... When I stop I feel very out of control and.... wild. After twelve years my body looks kind of a mess but I'm trying to learn to make my peace with that. Overdoses....hmm mainly sh, though a handful had vague suicidal intent behind them. I developed a pattern of od'ing as a way to keep myself 'safe' (Yea I know that's counterintuitive) when experiencing intense suicidal thoughts but equally wanting to keep myself alive. More often than not they were low level and nobody ever knew about them, though I've visited a and e a few times... That was years ago now though.
As for food well that was pretty much just another way to self harm. At uni particularly I restricted my intake significantly, and would spend days fasting. Sometimes I overate. Sometimes I overexercised. Quite a lot of the time I made myself sick. Long long ago I screwed around with diet pills. I've felt fat at weights that were healthy and weights that were significantly underweight. Technically I guess the diagnosis would be ed-nos... though I've never really Identified as eating disordered so much as someone who uses food to sh. I dunno if there's a difference really.
Phew.
All the above crap, of course, would fall under the heading off maladaptive coping mechanisms. What I'm trying to cope with is primarily anxiety, centered around self confidence and self esteem and identity issues. History of social anxiety though that's improved hugely. Panic attacks occasionally cos that's always fun. It's a vicious cycle of course cos the anxiety make me hyper aware of myself and makes me awkward which means I do things 'wrong' ie not perfectly or avoid things altogether. Eventually this is where the depression part comes in because things begin to feel hopeless and I feel useless and worthless because I always 'fail' and what's the point everything's horrible everyone hates me blah blah blah.
All of which is very dull.
And all of which I'm working on. In terms of therapy atm I'm in the middle of s very short course of sessions with a CAT based approach. In the past I've had CBT and person centred counselling. Add to that medications (anti depressants, anti psychotics and atm a mood stabiliser) mindfulness coaching and online CBT programmes. And I've studied psychology at a level and as modules for my degree. 
That's dull too.
But there you are that's my crazy in a nutshell.
Now onto the more interesting things about me.
I work as a carer, helping elderly people in the community. It's largely personal care and meals and I love it a lot. I'm slowly slowly slowly doing an open university degree in science and hope eventually to do a post grad course to become an occupational therapist... On the physical side, probably with the same demographic I with with now. But that's far ahead and you don't always get to pick and choose that much with Jobs! Lol.
Outside of that I play for a darts team.... except I don't really play I'm much better at spectating :p. I also play around with making jewellery and beaded crafts. I paint my nails constantly of course lol.
I also assist with running a guide unit in the town I love in. I've been involved with guides pretty much since I started as a Brownie at seven and I'm rather passionate about it. Guides was a huge support in my life... and I love being part of it still. We do allsorts of random things some of which will probably get mentioned here.
Finally, I ring bells. Like, big Church bells. It's a lot of fun :). And I'm on committees and crap to do with that so it's a big part of my life. And I talk about it a lot so don't get me started Hehe.
Wow this is long.
If you made it this far congratulations!
And I'll shut up now.
Night night. X