Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Self doubt

I don't know what to wrote about today, my brain is all mushy. I have a few swatches I could post but I cba to do the writing and they look horrible and my nails are a mess and the photos are horrible... and blah. Everything is just wrong today, I can't do anything right and I just want to hide and cry.

I don't often write about the here and now....About what my brain is doing at the present moment. That's largely because if I do it makes no sense and hops about and contradicts itself. Cos that's what my brain does. I'd rather write from a couple steps away so that it's more coherent.

But today I can't think of anything to write. So this is my brain.

Self doubt. Yes. I doubt myself. I doubt my capability, my intelligence, my worth I mistrust my thoughts and my feelings and my opinions. I don't believe in my own judgement or my ability to make decisions. Basically I just assume I'm wrong, I'm bad, I'm mistaken. If I'm sad it's pathetic, if I'm happy it's undeserved and if I'm angry it's unwarranted.

Lack of confidence, is that what it is? Low self esteem? Lack of self worth? Self hatred? Do many words. So many slightly different experiences. At least if I hate myself I'll try to improve. At least if I find myself worthless I'll always put others first. At least if I know I'm horrible I'll try my best to counteract it and be nicer and be more patient and less selfish and better always better. The tin man didn't have a heart... so he was extra compassionate to everything to compensate. There's a joke in there somewhere.

The problem is wellness. Part of being well is accepting myself more. Part of being well is allowing myself to be worth something. Part of being well is admitting to myself I have rights and needs and even wants and that it's on to have them and on to ask for them.

But when I'm well I'm a bitch. I don't care as much so I fuck everything up and put myself first and hurt other people and generally act like a stupid cow. Except I didn't think that was what I was doing. I didn't think I was perfect, I'll accept when I'm being unreasonable or childish. But I thought I had a legitimate point. And then I was the bad guy. And I don't know why. But I'm sure she's right.

I fought with a friend. Should have mentioned that before would have made more sense.

But everything spirals away backwards and I'm not that person anymore, except I am. Always I think I'm right, I think I'm justified, I think I have a point. And then I'm in the wrong and everyone hates me and everyone is hurt and I'm a bad person. Which is why I need to think badly of myself.

Way back when I was in middle school, I thought I was right. I was asked to make a choice and I tried not to and I tried to compromise and I failed cos I'm useless and so I chose.... and I chose the person who wasn't forcing me to choose. That was wrong. I was horrible and cruel and I was a bully and evolve hated me and then the person I chose fucked off and the person I didn't choose moved schools to avoid me. And I was wrong. And I'm a bad person.

In college I thought I was right. I was ill. But I didn't know I was ill. I thought it was fine. I knew it wasn't but I still thought it was. Cos I thought I was just being stupid and pathetic and there was nothing wrong and it was all my fault and nobody would help me cos I didn't need out deserve help. Except they thought I did. And me being crazy hurt them. So they ignored me. And when they stopped ignoring me we fought. And I was selfish and didn't care about them and needed to get a grip and I was a head case and a psycho and should just fuck off cos they couldn't deal with me and they shouldn't have to. And I thought I was fine. And I was wrong. And I'm a bad person.

And then him.

Not and then really. That was before. Not before middle school, before college. This is in the wrong order. I was sure I was right with him. I mean I only told the truth....That should be right. And it wasn't a big deal exactly. Or at all. We were 'going out' like you do when you're 13 and think you're really old. And he wanted to experiment and so he invited me round and he asked if he could 'finger' me and I said no. So he did it anyway. And than I went home. And so it wasn't a big deal. But then he boasted about it. To one of my best friends. That I'd let him touch me, that he was a big man cos he fingered me. And the friend told me. And I told the friend. All I told the friend was I didn't want him to. And it all got weird and I told the friend the story. Then everyone knew the story. Ams I didn't want everyone to know the story but I thought at least I'm right in this story. But I wasn't. I was a slag and a slut and a liar and an attention seeker and a drama queen and I needed to get over myself and get a grip and so being selfish cos I had ruined his life and what a cow and it's so long ago get over it. And so I was wrong. And I'm a bad person.

And I'm always wrong. And in always a bad person. And I need to not be me cos me is not nice. And I need to not deal with people cos I just hurt them. And I need to not be. But that's not ok cos that's wrong too. It's always bloody wrong whatever. It's always selfish and it's always stupid and it always hurts people. And I wish my brain would sit still and work in some kind of useful way instead of wasting energy on stupid half memories and non-thoughts.

I need to breathe. And think. And sleep. Meditation? Rah, whatever. I'm having a shit day. With any luck tomorrow might be better. Who really knows. But it's bed time. X