Sunday, 1 September 2013

When to admit defeat....

So yes. Today i called in sick. Because i couldn't cope, basically. i woke up hyperventilating and the day didn't improve much from there. i detest calling in, particularly for mh makes me feel weak, like ive failed, and of course guilty for making other people's jobs more difficult.
But, moving on from self-castigation and onto the real point of my post, it got me thinking about the difference between knowing your limitations and using mh issues as an excuse, allowing it them to rule you. It's a fine line, and one i fear i often fall on the wrong side both directions. In the past particularly ive certainly struggled to know when its a good idea to give myself a break. Its easy to slip into denial and 'im fine mode' and just keep going despite all obvious indications that its time to stop. And stepping out of denial can be pretty damn scary so once i will go along way to maintain it. i become a veritable little yes-man (or woman) and agree to anything and everything, fill every hour of every day with work, friends, activity. Its very easy at this point to kid yourself that you *have* to do these things, that its all for other people, that they're relying on you. To hide behind a façade of selflessness in other words. Its all complete bs of course. Of course i care about other people, of course i like to help out with friends, work, whatever when possible. But its still bs. Its all just one gargantuan effort to keep busy, keep moving, do anything to avoid thinking too much about anything. And the problem is when people express concern and i turn around with a padded out version of that stroppy teenager cliché 'its my life' that's bs too. Sure it's my life, and sure im often hurting myself when i get like that.....but im not ONLY hurting myself. The quality of my work suffers, i treat my friends badly, snap at my family, double and triple book myself and let people down, i worry people and frustrate people and inevitably i crash and it all falls apart anyway. Sounds like the opposite of selfless tbh doesn't it?
So it's something ive tried hard, with limited success, to work on. The problem is im proud and im a stubborn cow and i constantly fear falling on the other side of that line. The side where i refuse to test the limits at all. The side that's dominated by i can't. i can't go to that club it'll be too crowded. i can't ring at that tower the room is too small. i can't go to work today...i can't get dressed right, really i can't get out of bed. i couldn't possibly. It's not my fault, im ill. (im not in any way judging or criticising people who really are so ill with mental health issues that they really DO feel unable to get out of bed, leave the house etc. It's just that im not in that place personally right now.) Cos that's a very slippery slope. Depression sneaks up on you and convinces you that its faaaar too much effort to do all those know the ones that get you out and active and help fight the depression. It can spiral, basically is what im trying to say. And every time i call in sick or don't make the effort to contact a friend, or miss something im committed to (all of which i am ashamed to say ive done too much recently) i worry that im simply allowing the head-shit to win....and all my good intentions about knowing my limits go out the window.
Definitely a work in progress. And im pretty sure none of that made any more sense on 'paper' than it did in my head lol. Oh well ill leave you with the obligatory pic of today's nails to lighten the mood :p :