Sunday, 26 January 2014

Change

Change, yes. Only a tiny little one. I changed my nails cos I broke one and one short straight tip looked silly. Problem is, whilst I love straight tips on I hate them on myself. They really don't suit me.
Still overall having shorter, straighter nails for a week or so is really not that big a deal. Except that it is. It's different and weird and it's put me in a strange mood all day.
Because I hate change and there is too much of it about lately and focusing on a tiny change is easier.

I do have a point.
Not liking change is a fairly common human trait. A large number of us like to be able to predict roughly how our day to day life will go and be prepared for it. It's safer.
When you're struggling with mental illness and it's hit or miss whether you can cope with the day anyway then the smallest change can mess everything up. Or seem to, it can mess everything in your head up anyway.
And then we're back to the post about the effect of little things.
Flipping out cos a friend is running half an hour late for lunch.
Crying because an appointment gets moved.
Panicking about a new brand of tomato ketchup.

New things, different things, things that require you to adapt your plans or your thinking. And that can be surprisingly hard work. When you feel like you can't trust your own brain to do right by you there's a lot of comfort to be found in regularity and reliability.
I'm not explaining myself very well tonight, sorry. I just mean forgive me if I'm disproportionately angry at you for changing our plans. Don't be too annoyed when buying Coke instead of Pepsi is treated as a heinous crime. And bear with me when I want to do something my way against all reason simply because that's what I always do.
And by me I mean anybody. Your daughter, your boyfriend, your great aunt, whoever. It's another of those frustrating 'but it makes sense in my head' things.
Oh and here are the offending nails. Hatehate. Lol. X

Ps. Polish is utopia the notebook.