Sunday, 12 January 2014

Contradictions

So I had a post planned on nails inspire....I've been meaning to post about them for months afterall. But a. I've neglected the mental health side of my blog and b. I kinda don't have the energy tonight.
I haven't really known what to write about... But the other day I was talking to my friend about the contradictions of mental health.
There are the inconsistencies of thought and behaviour. I'm terrified of failing yet I don't study. I pointlessly rearrange people's cutlery draws but my own room is a tip. I'll drive like an absolute lunatic but never ever break the speed limit. I imagine such contradictions occur in mentally well folk also? Still it must be terribly frustrating for anyone living outside my head. And inside my head lol.
Then you have the distance between thought and feeling, knowledge and belief. I know that I suffer from depression and that's why I am not always able to truly engage with and appreciate the positive things in my life. I feel like an ungrateful, unappreciative cow who should get a grip and realise how lucky she is. I can think about the evidence and realise I've managed nine gcse, three a-levels and half a degree. But I'll still believe that I'm a stupid, worthless failure. What you know doesn't always change what you feel. In fact sometimes what you know can make it worse. When the you that knows starts arguing with the you that believes it all gets very noisy and very messy and very painful. Because the knowing wants so hard to set the record straight but belief has never had anything to do with reason. So, whilst positive self talk has it's place it's not always the magic answer to low self esteem.
Thirdly, the huge gap between intention and actuality. Now I know this isn't just a mh thing. All those forgotten resolutions, nicotine patches gathering dust, alongside the running shoes and books on the atkins diet and self improvement. But always people seem to be surprised when sufferers of mental health issues say one thing and do another. If I slip and sh it doesn't mean I was lying when I said I wanted to stop. It doesn't even mean I add lying when I said I was trying to stop. It must means it's really hard to do. In the past I've had issues with taking meds, not because I don't want to be well but because a stupid thought process takes over in which I I feel I don't deserve to be well. I want to be healthy more than anything. But I'd it were as simple as just wanting it there wouldn't be s problem in the first place.
Often it's easy to assume that being aware is the same as being in control. After all these years I'm reasonably tuned in to the patterns of my craziness. But there are only a limited number of times where this is any real use to me. If you sat in a cafe and suddenly saw your car start rolling down the hill you'd be totally aware of what was happening. You could probably make a few guesses why. That wouldn't stop the car though.
It's very frustrating lol. Sorry for rabbiting on about me.... it's not me really I'm just tired and couldn't be bothered with the whole third person, impersonal voice thing lol. In which case it must be bedtime. X
Ps. A poem with some more amusing contradictions from the world of ringing. The missing first line is 'when GO is called noone departs' x